My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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