mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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