oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Randomize