I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize