Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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