he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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