woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
So many bounce houses so little time
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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