Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
