there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
