Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
