we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
