You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
