allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
