Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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