Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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