I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I understand Curling. That high.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
