TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
