the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
