He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
