I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
