I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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