my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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