My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
