DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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