I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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