I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
