i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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