He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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