I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
