i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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