youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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