I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize