1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
