i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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