ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize