I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
