It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
