if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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