just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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