he wants to bone in the snuggie
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
