Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
