News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
