Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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