every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
