You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize