Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
