these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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