my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize