I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize