I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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