I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just gargled with NyQuil
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
