My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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