Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
